Conway’s Cured

June 11, 2017

“Hey, Rock, it sure is a Monday morning,” Jacob said as we walked into the school, as high school students are wont to do on Monday mornings, which I believe I’ve already mentioned this was.

“Yes, it is, Jacob.  What an astute, insightful, and accurate observation that was by you.  You sure are a genius, you, to figure that out all on your own” Rock said.  I may be paraphrasing, but who gives a shit.  The point is they were standing around talking about the dumb shit people talk about when nothing’s going on.

“Hey, guys.  Guess what?” Lucy said, walking up to them, bouncing with the excitement that comes with being able to introduce the plot.

“What?” Jacob asked.  “Is this going to piss me off?”

“No.  This is good,” Lucy said, either unaware of or ignoring the fact that most things pissed Jacob off, and her news would in all likelihood do the same.  “Sarah Conway’s back!”*

“Who’s Sarah Conway?”

Lucy stared at Jacob.  “Jacob, you know who Sarah is.”

“No, I don’t.”

“You’ve gone to school with her since kindergarten.”

Jacob shrugged.  “I try not to pay attention or become attached to the people around me.  Ignoring their drama makes my life less stressful.”

Lucy sighed.  “She’s the girl who left at the end of last year.  She had to seek help for her mental health issues.  You seriously don’t remember her?”

“I make it a point to forget about people as soon as they exit from my life.  Hell, half the time I forget my parents exist while I’m at school.  It happens.”

“So, if I left for some reason, you’d forget about me in a week?”

“No, no.  We’re close.  I’d remember you.”

“Dude, that’s what you said about Sarah,” Rock said.

“I know.  I lied to her too.”

“Guys, I’m serious,” Lucy said, not joking.  “This is her first day back.  I need you to be super supportive.”

“Ugh, you know I can’t deal with people’s emotions.  It’s like, ‘ooh, I’m upset because I’m a person and I have feelings’.  Come on.  Fuck off.”

“Jacob, I’m serious,” Lucy said repetitively, repeating this assertion.  Again.  “We’re having a big party for her at lunch, and I need everyone to be there to show they care.”

“I care every bit as much about her wellbeing as I do for any of my other classmates.  Which is to say, not at all,” Jacob said.  “I’m not going to act like suddenly she’s my best friend and I’m super concerned just to show everyone what a great person I am.”

“You’re an asshole.  You can’t treat her differently just because she had mental health issues.”

“Has mental health issues,” Rock interjected.  “These things don’t just go away.  She’s been treated, not cured.”

“Whatever.  The point is that you need to treat her the same as everyone else.”

“That’s what I’m doing.  You’re the one throwing a ‘look at the mentally retarded’ person’ party.”

“Don’t say mentally retarded.  One, it’s not the correct thing to say.  Now we say, well, I forget what the sugar-coated term du jour is, but it’s not retarded.  Two, she’s not retarded, she’s just depressed.  Her intellectual capacity isn’t diminished, she just has difficulty regulating her emotions.”

“Whatever.  The point is that you’re the one drawing attention to her disability.  I don’t remember you throwing the wheelchair kid who doesn’t have a name because he probably won’t get mentioned again a ‘look at the physical retard’ party for his disability.”

“It’s not a disability.  It’s a difference that should be celebrated because it makes him a unique person.”

“I think he’d rather be able to walk.”

“What I’m saying is all I’m doing for Sarah is what I’d do for any of my classmates.”

“No, you wouldn’t.  When was the last time you threw Jeremy a party?”

Lucy shrugged.  “Who’s Jeremy?”

“He’s the weird, quiet kid.  The one who always sits in the back and keeps to himself.  He might actually be suicidal.”

“Nobody cares about Jeremy.  Besides, he’s not suicidal.”

“How do you know?  Have you asked him?”

“Eww, no.  I don’t want to talk to him.  You ask him.”

“No, because I don’t care.  Which is my point.  You don’t care either, you’re just pretending to care because it makes you feel better about yourself and everyone is watching.”

“Whatever, Jacob,” Lucy said.  “I have to go to class.  See you this afternoon.”

Rock and Jacob watched as Lucy turned and walked away.  “You two should just fuck and get it over with,” Rock said.

“Shut up, Rock.”  Jacob turned and kept his glare on Lucy as she walked away.  “She does have a nice body, though.”

Rock laughed, and Jacob heard a small, muffled laugh beside him.  He turned to see Jeremy standing there, pretending not to be listening as he opened his locker.

“What’s up, Jeremy?” Jacob asked.

“Oh, uh, hi, Jacob.”

“What you been up to lately?”

“Nothing, really.  Just kind of, you know, stuff.”

“Considering suicide?” Jacob joked.

“Uh, actually, a little bit.” Jeremy finished closing his locker and turned to Jacob.

Jacob shrugged.  “Well, always good to keep your options open.”




*The exclamation point is the author’s way of showing that she was excited.  Though honestly, you probably could have figured out that she was excited from the context.  In fact, you probably didn’t need me to explain what an exclamation point is either, making this whole footnote superfluous.  Oh, well.

The Morning After

June 3, 2017

“Hey, mister, come on,” a tiny voice said as a little hand shook the passed-out Rock.  “Open your mouth.”

“No, daddy, I don’t like this game,” Rock mumbled, still mostly asleep.

“Brandon, what are you doing?” Lucy asked from across the room as she rubbed Jacob’s back while he took the ibuprofen and drank the water she’d brought to him.  Brandon laughed like a five-year-old idiot.  Not like a particularly stupid five-year-old, just in the way that all kids are stupid.

“I’m trying to put a bug in his mouth.”


“Because it’s funny.”

“That’s not funny,” Jacob said, swallowing a sip of water.  “If you really want to assert dominance, you ought to pee on him.  That’s like the gold standard of something being yours.  That and being able to jack off in comfort.”

“What’s jack off?” Brandon asked, because again, the kid is five.

“It’s when you pull on your penis repeatedly until white stuff comes out.”

“Why would you do that?”

“Typically because you don’t have a woman willing to let you stick it in her vagina.”

“What’s a vagina?”

Jacob sighed and started to explain, but Lucy cut him off.  “I’m going to have to stop you there.  You are not explaining the female reproductive system to a five-year-old.”

Jacob shrugged.  “Why not?  He’s got to learn it someday.”

“I would agree with you, Jacob, but given the men I’ve been with, that’s clearly not the case.”

“I guess it doesn’t matter,” Jacob said resignedly.  “The kid’s gay anyway.”

“What makes you say that?” Lucy said, sitting up in her seat, her voice suddenly gaining a new level of interest.

Jacob shrugged.  “He’s talking about peeing in some dude’s mouth.  Sounds pretty gay to me.”

“No, Jacob, you were talking about peeing in his mouth.  Brandon wanted to put a bug in it.”

“Oh, yeah,” Jacob said.  “Why would he do that?  That’s not a fetish thing.”

“I don’t know,” Lucy responded.  “Probably because he’s five.”

“So, five-year-old’s have weird fetishes, is what you’re saying?”

“No, I think they just like doing stupid crap.  Though, come to think of it, you were the one talking about peeing in Rock’s mouth, so what’s that make you?”

“Gay?” Jacob asked.  “So what if I am, Lucy, huh?  You got a problem with that?”

“No, it’s 2017.  I think that’d be awesome.  A gay best friend would do wonders for my cool kid score, though it wouldn’t earn me nearly as many points as a gay kid brother of whom I’m super supportive.  My problem is that you were talking about having a five-year old pee in the mouth of someone who’s incapacitated, so you’re not gay so much as…”

“Just drop it.”

“A vicarious pedophilic rapist with urolagnia.”

“Right.  I think it’s time for us to get going.  See you in school on Monday,” Jacob said, as Rock woke up fresh as a daisy just in time for the story to end.

The Party

May 22, 2017

“Man, this place is packed,” Jacob said, looking around Lucy’s house uncomfortably.

“I know, dude.  This party’s going to be the bomb,” Rock said.

“I was thinking the opposite.  Too many people.”

“No, dude.  Check it out.  That’s what makes a party fun.  Besides, it’s the first one of the year.  You know everyone is going to show up for it.  Let’s find little miss hostess.”

“Good idea,” Jacob said.  “Once we make our appearance, we can leave.”

“Haha, yeah.  Not what I was thinking.  I meant she can tell us where the booze is.”

They soon located the hostess, who was somewhere doing something.  Her flush face brightened when she saw the two approach.

“Jacob! It’s so cool that you’re here,” she said, leaning in for a hug.  “Rock, hi.  Thanks for coming.”

Rock clicked his tongue and nodded his head in a manner that was supposed to be cool.  “What up, Lucy?”

“Um, nothing.  Hosting a party.  Anyway, let’s get you two a drink.  What’s a party without alcohol, right?”

“I agree,” Jacob said.  “If I’m going to be surrounded by a bunch of people I don’t like, I’m going to need something to help loosen the tension.”

Lucy walked over to the makeshift bar that was her kitchen counter as Rock and Jacob began to follow when something, or someone, caught Jacob’s attention out of the corner of his eye.  A girl that he’d never seen before, and it’s not sexist to say girl because I am referring to someone who’s in high school, walked by about twenty feet away.  She waved to some random guy that Jacob also didn’t know, the kind of seductive wave that teenage girls give when they know someone is attracted to them and they have control of the relationship.  Jacob craned his neck to try to keep his view but the girl soon disappeared into the crowd.

“Yo, Jacob,” Rock said, bringing him out of his daze.  “What do you want?”

“Uh,” Jacob said as he shrugged.  “Whiskey and coke, I guess.”

“So, you two looking forward to the new school year?” Lucy asked inanely as she poured the drinks, already knowing the answer, not that she cared.  She just wanted to feign interest in her two new guests before getting back to the people she actually cared about.

“Not really.  School blows monkey dick,” Rock said.

“Cool, cool.  I agree,” Lucy said, splitting her time evenly between looking at Rock and Jacob and glancing around the room.  She looked at the watch she wasn’t wearing.  “Well, I should be getting back to the party.”

“What do you mean?” Jacob asked.  “We’re at the party.”

“Right, I hear you.  What I meant was I need to get back to keeping an eye on Nate and Theresa.  She’s trying to seduce him, I think, and I can’t let that happen.”

“Are you sure you should be spying on people and meddling this early into the school year?” Jacob asked.

Lucy shrugged.  “Why not?  The Patriot Act says I can.”

“I don’t think the Patriot Act says that.  Have you even read the Patriot Act?”

“Of course not.  Nobody has.  Now, if you’ll excuse me…”

Lucy walked away as Rock and Jacob leaned against the counter.  Jacob turned his head to Rock.

“So, what do you want to do?”

Rock shrugged.  “Find some strange, I guess.”

“Are you saying that because you’re actually horny, or because you think it’s what you’re supposed to want to do?”

“Does it matter?  Some nice, young tail here.”

“Stop saying that.  You sound like a sixty-one-year-old pedophile,” Jacob said, shaking his head.  “Besides, these aren’t the girls we should be going after for one night stands.  Too many complications hooking up with people you know.  We should go find us some eighty-year-olds.”

“What? Dude, gross.”

“No, think about it.  They’re so senile that you don’t have to call the next day, because they won’t remember.”

“Oh, yeah.  And if you’re awful, who cares?  They’ll just forget anyway.”

“Right,” Jacob said.  “Weird that’s where you went with it, but right.  Also, no need for morning after pills.”

Rock shrugged.  “I don’t use them anyway.  I just wait three months and push them down a flight of stairs.”

“That’s, uh, pretty sure that’s not cool, Rock.”

“Since when is killing babies not cool?”

“Right,” Jacob said slowly, in a long drawn out manner.  “Look, I really don’t like where this is going, so I’m heading this way now.  I’ll meet up with you at the end of the night.  Good?”

Rock shrugged.  “Sure.”

English Class

April 30, 2017

Jacob walked into the first class of the day and took the first seat he could find, in front of Lucy Fontaine and next to David Starger.

“Heh, fancy seeing you here,” David said.

“Yeah, fancy that,” Jacob said, turning around to talk to Lucy.  “Hey, person who isn’t David.  How was your summer?”

“It was alright, I guess.  I don’t know.  You were there for a lot of it.”

“Oh, yeah.  That’s right.  We’re friends.”

“Right.  So why are you asking?”

Jacob shrugged.  “Seemed like a good segue.  So, who do we have for Mr. Garamna’s English class, which we’re currently in.”

“Mr. Garamna.  Which, again, you already knew.”

“Uh, no I didn’t.”

“His name is on the door, and it’s written again on the board.”

“I didn’t notice.”

“It’s also on your schedule, which you would have had to read to get to the right place.”

“Well, then, what do you know about him?”

“We had him last year.”

“I didn’t,” said Juan Conner, the large running back for the football team who had been sitting next to Lucy the whole time.  “What’s he like?”

Lucy shrugged.  “He’s alright, I guess.  He’s the moderator for the theater club, I think.”

Juan tapped David’s shoulder.  “Hey, David, you’re into fruity bullcrap, right?”

“We call it theater, and yes.”

“What’s this dude like?”

“Oh, he’s the best,” said David, turning around and joining the conversation.  “He’s the coolest, and he’s super funny.”

“Funny as in actually funny, or funny as in ‘when girls say their friends are funny’ funny?”

“I don’t follow.”

“Right, how can I explain this?” Juan said, trying to come up with a way to phrase his question without hurting David’s feeling.

“Would normal people think he’s funny, or is he some lamewad who’s only funny to people as lame and boring as he is?” asked Jacob, not giving a fuck about David’s feelings.

“Given that it’s David, I’m pretty sure lame,” Lucy said.

“He’s not lame.  He’s awesome.  You’ll see,” David said, defending his lamewad mentor.  “He plays guitar, and drives a Prius.”

“So what? Driving a Prius doesn’t make the guy Jesus,” Jacob said.  “First off, Jesus couldn’t drive, and secondly, he’s dead.  Well, kind of.  Maybe.  Actually, what is Jesus now?”

“What do you mean?” asked Lucy.  “Like is he alive or dead?  Um, dead, I guess.”

“I’d say alive,” Juan said.  “After the whole resurrection thing, anyway.”

“But is he really alive, or just walking as a dead man?”

“Look, it doesn’t matter,” Jacob said.  “The point I’m trying to make is that driving a hybrid car is like the least cool thing somebody can do.  Next to loving your neighbor.”

“Well, I disagree,” David said.  “Some of us think caring about the earth is pretty cool.”

“Well it isn’t.  Shit, I won’t even buy a notebook unless I have a guarantee that it was made by enslaved orphans of war, preferably to fund another war.  Fuck corporate responsibility.”

“Dude, why you got to be such a dick?” Juan asked.

“Same reason you play football, I guess,” Jacob said.  He shrugged.  “I’m good at it.”

Mr. Garamna walked in and the class began to quiet for some reason.  Out of respect, I guess, though that seems unlikely for high school students.  Jacob felt a tap on his shoulder.

“By the way, party at my place on Friday night,” Lucy said, ending the story.

The First Day

April 12, 2017

“Yo, Jacob, what’s up?” Rock asked, walking up and greeting Jacob by his locker.  It was their first day of the junior year in high school, and somehow both present day and twenty to thirty years before Jacob decided to run for president, despite the fact that the campaign occurred about half a year earlier.  The timeline is a little shaky and may also jump around depending on the needs of the author.  Also, everyone is eighteen so the sexual references won’t be creepy.  I’d make them twenty-one, but I don’t think anyone actually cares about underage drinking.

“Not much.  You check out this year’s freshman class?”

“Dude, you know that was the first thing I did.  Got some nice tail in there,” Rock said, ignoring the narrator’s comments about the whole eighteen-year-old thing and getting creepy with it anyway.

“Rock, don’t be a pedophile,” Jacob said, shaking his head in disgust.

“What do you mean?  We’re juniors.  They’re freshman.  They’re only, like, two years younger than us.”

“Sixteen doesn’t seem right for freshmen,” Jacob said, beginning to think about it before deciding it wasn’t worth trying to make sense of.  “Anyway, doesn’t matter.  You’re eighteen, they aren’t.  It’s illegal.”

“Yeah, but it’s not pedophilia.  At worst, it’s statutory rape.”

“Real convincing argument.  I’m sure the judge will let you go as soon as he hears that one,” Jacob said, shutting his locker.  “I’m not a pedophile, your honor.  I just raped the girl.”

“Raped statutorily,” Rock said.

“Doesn’t matter.  Still makes you a sex offender.”

“Hmm. True dat.  Anyway, who you got for homeroom?”

“Mrs. Dozier. You?”

“Same,” Rock said, because I didn’t want to create a new character for Jacob to talk to.  Then, to advance the plot, Rock said, “Should we get going?”

The two walked into the classroom and took a seat.  They started engaging in a conversation that was neither interesting nor relevant to the plot.  After a few moments, David Starger walked in and sat in front of them.  He turned around.

“Hey guys.  How was your summer?”

“It was good,” Jacob said, while Rock ignored him.  They sat in silence for a few moments while David continued to stare at them.  The awkwardness overpowered Jacob and he asked the question both he and Rock had been desperately trying to avoid.  “How was yours?”

“Oh, it was great,” David said, before launching into a full-blown story about his summer that nobody cared about.  Both Rock and Jacob, and me, quite frankly, zoned out, so I have no idea what was actually said during this verbal onslaught, except that he started talking about some stupid play he was in and ended it with, “I was at Walmart last night, but it didn’t go so well.”

“Hey, I was at Walmart too,” Rock blurted out before realizing that he’d made the mistake of engaging David.  Rock sat back in his seat trying to disengage, but David perked up, jumping at the opportunity to talk more.

“Oh, really?  Huh, guess I didn’t see you.  What were you doing there?”

“I was snorting coke off a hooker’s dick.  What the fuck do you think I was doing at Walmart?  I was picking up some snacks,” Rock said.  “What were you doing?”

“Heh.  I already told you,” David said, giving that sarcastic, friendly little laugh with undertones of being hurt, the way people do when they know people have been ignoring them but are trying to pretend it isn’t so.  Yeah, David was kind of a pathetic little bitch.  “I was trying to sell the rest of the raffle tickets to support my theater group.”

“Right.  I totally knew that because I was definitely listening to you and not thinking about whether groundhogs and woodchucks are the same thing.”  They are.  “Anyway, how did that go?  Because I totally care.”  Jacob and David weren’t sure whether Rock was being sarcastic at this point.  Neither was Rock.

“While as I was saying, not well.  I was there for about two hours, but nobody seemed to want to help me.”

“Of course, nobody wanted to help you,” Jacob said, inserting himself into the conversation for the first time.  “You have to remember that nobody cares about you.  Why would they?  People are mindless nobs who are focused on their own lives.  Nobody woke up this morning and wondered how they could help some random kid at Walmart support his theater group.”

“Hmm, I guess you make a good point,” David said, half-turning in his seat.  “Hey, I don’t suppose either of you would be interested in buying a few?  It would really help us out.”

“Oh, David, I’d love to, but I can’t because some polite excuse,” Jacob said, standing up from his seat.  “Anyway, there’s the bell.  We have to get to class.”

“There was no bell,” David said.

“Shit, you’re right.  Well, there was supposed to be.”

The bell rang, telling the students to get to class.

“There we go.  Anyway, we have to get to class.  Have a nice year, David.”