Your mother told me what you learned today,
Though I don’t know why we pretend to have happy homes in this day and age.
Anyway, your teacher said you can be whatever you want to be.
She’s right, of course, but take a moment to see
The limitations that your teacher left out
In all the choices she told you about.
You’re not going to be the next Super Bowl champ.
Daddy’s short, fat and white and running gives him a cramp.
You’ve inherited these genes, it’s sad but it’s true
But there’s lots you can do. If you stay in school
It won’t matter a bit, though your teacher says so.
When it comes to success, it’s more who you know.
Since you’re kind of a loser, that route is in doubt.
Nobody likes you since you breathe from the mouth.
You could sleep around, it isn’t quite hooking,
Though that probably won’t work since you aren’t that good-looking.
And you can’t buy your friends, since you aren’t rich.
Don’t blame me for that, your mom spends like a bitch.
Or blame the liberals for keeping up with the times.
In the good old days you’d earn working in the coal mines.
Back to the problem at hand, what you’ll be when you grow up.
I can see from this conversation that you want to throw up.
Another limitation on your possibilities for success.
It looks to me like you can’t handle the stress.
A start up or owning your business is out.
On the plus side, we’re narrowing it down.
Sports are out, you’re too weak to throw
And nobody likes you, so no CEO.
You’ll never be able to get by on your looks.
You’ve no choice but to get by on the books.
One problem there, you’re too fucking dumb.
You’re 8 years old and you still suck your thumb.
Smarts are out, you’re almost braindead.
Which gives just one option for you to get ahead.
Work really hard, but you know that idea’s crazy.
Face it, son, you’re too goddamn lazy.
Where’s that leave us, now that we’ve gotten this far?
Let’s look at what you’ll hope for if you shoot for the stars.
Maybe middle management, but that’s probably a stretch.
Working on cars would be a good catch.
That’s too much to hope for, it’s probably less.
Either of these jobs would be a success.
Get used to cleaning, or flipping burgers.
You should probably learn how welfare works.
With all this in mind, remember this, little man.
If you kill yourself daddy will understand.