Son, you need to learn teamwork
So we signed you up for sports.
You’ll run and play with other kids
And have fun like your daddy did.
You and your team will join as one
Practicing out under the sun.
And when it’s time to play a game
You’ll meet another team that looks the same.
They’re just like you in every way.
They’ve been practicing day after day.
But the color of their shirt is different
And so you have to play to win.
But winning is not enough it seems.
You have to hate the other team.
They may not seem bad, I know that’s true
But you wear red and they wear blue.
That’s enough to put them on the other side
And make them worthy for you to despise.
Oh, you guys are blue, that’s even worse.
If they wear red they’re worse than dirt.
Don’t just try to win, son, try
To win so much you make them cry.
You’ll feel good when they feel bad.
It’ll excite you to see them sad.
They’re your mortal enemies, it’s true.
Hate their hair and hate their shoes.
Hate the town that they come from.
You hate their dads, I’ll hate their sons.
If you have a chance to rip their shirts,
Take any chance to make them hurt.
It’s okay to try to cause them pain.
They’re not like you, they’re not the same.
They may act like you and it might seem
They’re just like you, but they’re the other team.
You must learn to take their joy as strife,
Because sports are a metaphor for life.
When you grow up, you aren’t scoring tries,
You’re trying to make the others die.
And this hatred it must grow and stay
When people are different in some key way.
They may be from a different land
Or have a different god with a different plan.
The priests can talk of peace and love
Which sound great, until push comes to shove.
Then we’ll ignore what our gospels say
Because of something from forgotten days.
But the worst are those that dress as sheep.
Who claim to love the land in which you sleep.
They look like us, they’re from our town.
But they support different leaders to wear the crown.
So they must be destroyed, our hate unabated.
Disagreements aren’t enough, they must be hated.
Which is why our games mean so much to us.
They teach us to hate, and they teach us to cuss.
Sports teach you how to best live your life,
Angry and bitter, with bellies of spite.