The Morning After

June 3, 2017

“Hey, mister, come on,” a tiny voice said as a little hand shook the passed-out Rock.  “Open your mouth.”

“No, daddy, I don’t like this game,” Rock mumbled, still mostly asleep.

“Brandon, what are you doing?” Lucy asked from across the room as she rubbed Jacob’s back while he took the ibuprofen and drank the water she’d brought to him.  Brandon laughed like a five-year-old idiot.  Not like a particularly stupid five-year-old, just in the way that all kids are stupid.

“I’m trying to put a bug in his mouth.”


“Because it’s funny.”

“That’s not funny,” Jacob said, swallowing a sip of water.  “If you really want to assert dominance, you ought to pee on him.  That’s like the gold standard of something being yours.  That and being able to jack off in comfort.”

“What’s jack off?” Brandon asked, because again, the kid is five.

“It’s when you pull on your penis repeatedly until white stuff comes out.”

“Why would you do that?”

“Typically because you don’t have a woman willing to let you stick it in her vagina.”

“What’s a vagina?”

Jacob sighed and started to explain, but Lucy cut him off.  “I’m going to have to stop you there.  You are not explaining the female reproductive system to a five-year-old.”

Jacob shrugged.  “Why not?  He’s got to learn it someday.”

“I would agree with you, Jacob, but given the men I’ve been with, that’s clearly not the case.”

“I guess it doesn’t matter,” Jacob said resignedly.  “The kid’s gay anyway.”

“What makes you say that?” Lucy said, sitting up in her seat, her voice suddenly gaining a new level of interest.

Jacob shrugged.  “He’s talking about peeing in some dude’s mouth.  Sounds pretty gay to me.”

“No, Jacob, you were talking about peeing in his mouth.  Brandon wanted to put a bug in it.”

“Oh, yeah,” Jacob said.  “Why would he do that?  That’s not a fetish thing.”

“I don’t know,” Lucy responded.  “Probably because he’s five.”

“So, five-year-old’s have weird fetishes, is what you’re saying?”

“No, I think they just like doing stupid crap.  Though, come to think of it, you were the one talking about peeing in Rock’s mouth, so what’s that make you?”

“Gay?” Jacob asked.  “So what if I am, Lucy, huh?  You got a problem with that?”

“No, it’s 2017.  I think that’d be awesome.  A gay best friend would do wonders for my cool kid score, though it wouldn’t earn me nearly as many points as a gay kid brother of whom I’m super supportive.  My problem is that you were talking about having a five-year old pee in the mouth of someone who’s incapacitated, so you’re not gay so much as…”

“Just drop it.”

“A vicarious pedophilic rapist with urolagnia.”

“Right.  I think it’s time for us to get going.  See you in school on Monday,” Jacob said, as Rock woke up fresh as a daisy just in time for the story to end.


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