April 12, 2017
“Yo, Jacob, what’s up?” Rock asked, walking up and greeting Jacob by his locker. It was their first day of the junior year in high school, and somehow both present day and twenty to thirty years before Jacob decided to run for president, despite the fact that the campaign occurred about half a year earlier. The timeline is a little shaky and may also jump around depending on the needs of the author. Also, everyone is eighteen so the sexual references won’t be creepy. I’d make them twenty-one, but I don’t think anyone actually cares about underage drinking.
“Not much. You check out this year’s freshman class?”
“Dude, you know that was the first thing I did. Got some nice tail in there,” Rock said, ignoring the narrator’s comments about the whole eighteen-year-old thing and getting creepy with it anyway.
“Rock, don’t be a pedophile,” Jacob said, shaking his head in disgust.
“What do you mean? We’re juniors. They’re freshman. They’re only, like, two years younger than us.”
“Sixteen doesn’t seem right for freshmen,” Jacob said, beginning to think about it before deciding it wasn’t worth trying to make sense of. “Anyway, doesn’t matter. You’re eighteen, they aren’t. It’s illegal.”
“Yeah, but it’s not pedophilia. At worst, it’s statutory rape.”
“Real convincing argument. I’m sure the judge will let you go as soon as he hears that one,” Jacob said, shutting his locker. “I’m not a pedophile, your honor. I just raped the girl.”
“Raped statutorily,” Rock said.
“Doesn’t matter. Still makes you a sex offender.”
“Hmm. True dat. Anyway, who you got for homeroom?”
“Mrs. Dozier. You?”
“Same,” Rock said, because I didn’t want to create a new character for Jacob to talk to. Then, to advance the plot, Rock said, “Should we get going?”
The two walked into the classroom and took a seat. They started engaging in a conversation that was neither interesting nor relevant to the plot. After a few moments, David Starger walked in and sat in front of them. He turned around.
“Hey guys. How was your summer?”
“It was good,” Jacob said, while Rock ignored him. They sat in silence for a few moments while David continued to stare at them. The awkwardness overpowered Jacob and he asked the question both he and Rock had been desperately trying to avoid. “How was yours?”
“Oh, it was great,” David said, before launching into a full-blown story about his summer that nobody cared about. Both Rock and Jacob, and me, quite frankly, zoned out, so I have no idea what was actually said during this verbal onslaught, except that he started talking about some stupid play he was in and ended it with, “I was at Walmart last night, but it didn’t go so well.”
“Hey, I was at Walmart too,” Rock blurted out before realizing that he’d made the mistake of engaging David. Rock sat back in his seat trying to disengage, but David perked up, jumping at the opportunity to talk more.
“Oh, really? Huh, guess I didn’t see you. What were you doing there?”
“I was snorting coke off a hooker’s dick. What the fuck do you think I was doing at Walmart? I was picking up some snacks,” Rock said. “What were you doing?”
“Heh. I already told you,” David said, giving that sarcastic, friendly little laugh with undertones of being hurt, the way people do when they know people have been ignoring them but are trying to pretend it isn’t so. Yeah, David was kind of a pathetic little bitch. “I was trying to sell the rest of the raffle tickets to support my theater group.”
“Right. I totally knew that because I was definitely listening to you and not thinking about whether groundhogs and woodchucks are the same thing.” They are. “Anyway, how did that go? Because I totally care.” Jacob and David weren’t sure whether Rock was being sarcastic at this point. Neither was Rock.
“While as I was saying, not well. I was there for about two hours, but nobody seemed to want to help me.”
“Of course, nobody wanted to help you,” Jacob said, inserting himself into the conversation for the first time. “You have to remember that nobody cares about you. Why would they? People are mindless nobs who are focused on their own lives. Nobody woke up this morning and wondered how they could help some random kid at Walmart support his theater group.”
“Hmm, I guess you make a good point,” David said, half-turning in his seat. “Hey, I don’t suppose either of you would be interested in buying a few? It would really help us out.”
“Oh, David, I’d love to, but I can’t because some polite excuse,” Jacob said, standing up from his seat. “Anyway, there’s the bell. We have to get to class.”
“There was no bell,” David said.
“Shit, you’re right. Well, there was supposed to be.”
The bell rang, telling the students to get to class.
“There we go. Anyway, we have to get to class. Have a nice year, David.”