The Watergate Spiral Part 2

March 25, 2017

“Let me get this straight,” Jeremy said, resting his head in the palm of his hands.  “You nicked your girlfriend’s car, and rather than, I don’t know, tell her, you decided that the best course of action was to commit a series of felonies.  To cover up an accident.  A minor one.”

“Yeah, I mean, I don’t think she would have even noticed the scratch, but why risk it?” William Debors, the potential client, asked.  “And they aren’t felonies.”

“Yes, they are,” said the guy with the law degree.

“Really?  Is any of this really that big a deal?”

“That’s generally what felony means,” Jeremy said, sighing as he looked at his notes.  “Let’s review.  You destroyed a security camera that was property of the apartment complex, threatened to kidnap a kid, and beat up a homeless man.  Care to explain each in turn?”

“The security camera is obvious,” William said, sitting back in his chair.  “It showed me hitting the car.  If she got a hold of it, she’d know it was me.”

“You really think she’d go to that trouble for a nick that, by your own admittance, was hardly noticeable?”

“You don’t understand,” William said with a nervous douche-laugh.  “This chick is crazy.”

“She is?” William asked, emphasizing the first word.  “And what did you hope to accomplish by doing this?”

“What do you mean?  To destroy the evidence.  Obviously.”

“But you destroyed the camera.”


“Not the tape.”

“Dude.  I didn’t even think of that,” William said.  “Sorry, man.  I wasn’t thinking clearly.”

“Obviously.  Let’s move on to the kidnapping threats…”

“Okay, I think you may be overplaying that one just a little,” William interrupted Jeremy.

“How so?”

“I didn’t threaten to kidnap the kid.  You’re misinterpreting my words.”

“Your exact words were ‘kid, if you don’t move, I’m going to kidnap the shit out of you’.  What part of that am I misinterpreting?”

“Well, like, fine.  But I wasn’t going to actually do it.  Obviously.”

“Why is that obvious?”

“What would I want a kid for?  I’d have to take care of it and everything.  I might kill the kid, sure, but I wouldn’t kidnap him.”

“I might not mention that part.”

“Whatever.  I had to get the kid out of my way,” William explained.  “He was biking back and forth in the doorway of the garage when I was trying to back out quickly.  I didn’t want to hit him.”

“And ‘hey, kid, could you move for a moment’ wasn’t good enough for you?”

“Ah, uh, didn’t think of it.”

Jeremy slowly shook his head as he took some notes.  “And what predicated the assault on the homeless gentleman?”

When he didn’t hear a response, Jeremy looked up to find William staring at him blankly.  He rephrased.  “Why’d you fight a homeless guy?”

“Oh, actually, I didn’t fight him so much as kicked his ass.”


“Well, he’d seen what had happened, with the car, right?” William said.  “And I went over and asked him to not to snitch.  He asked for money, I refused, so on.  As I was walking away, he said the three little words that change any situation.”

“What were those words?”

“You fucking idiot.”

“So you beat up a homeless guy because he insulted you?”

William shrugged.  “Sounds stupid, huh?”

“And you did all this because you were afraid of your girlfriend finding out that you’d dinged her car?”

“Yeah, well,” William said with a chuckle, “don’t stick your dick in crazy.”


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