November 1, 2016
“Alright, so we’ll put the bobbing for gherkins bucket over here,” Jacob said to Rock, who dutifully wrote that down on the pad of paper he was carrying around. He looked up as Lucy marched through the conference room that they had rented for their election night celebration. “Hi, dear.”
“Jacob, what the hell are you doing?” Lucy said, looking around the room.
“I’m planning my election night watch party. It’s going to be a blast.”
“Not if you lose.”
Jacob shrugged, and pointed to the fully stocked bar. “That’s what that is for.”
“It’s a week until the election. You’re supposed to be campaigning.”
“Campaigning is boring. This is more fun.”
“It doesn’t matter if it’s boring. You have to do it. It’s part of being a candidate.”
“Lucy, now who’s being naïve.”
“I never said anything about naivete.”
“Whatever. Take a look around,” Jacob said, proudly gesturing to a room that would have made Caligula blush. “When people see what I’ve created, they will come.”
“Is that an orgy pit?”
“You don’t want my party to be lame, do you?”
“I want your party to be appealing to the mainstream public. There may be a middle ground to find between lame and orgy pit. Like, I don’t know, maybe serve really big food or something.”
Jacob paused for a moment, then shrugged. “We have baby-sized burritos.”
“So, you did want to go with the burritos then, and not serve the guests actual babies, correct?” Rock interjected.
“Hmm…,” Jacob hummed. He thought for a moment before Lucy answered for him. “Burritos. For the love of God, burritos.”
“And if we’re going to serve the burritos, we may want to move the “Pin the penis on Donald Trump” game away from the bathrooms,” Rock suggested.
“Good thinking,” Jacob said.
“The party game I made up. You know. To mock my opponent for having a small wang,” Jacob said. “It’s basically like pin the tail on the donkey, but you have to find the penis first, because it’s small. And also green. I imagine he has a lot of diseases.”
Lucy shook her head. “I’m not sure you should be making fun of your opponent’s genitalia.”
“Right. I agree. That’s why we just have a couple more of those, and then we’ll move on.”
“Move on now,” Lucy said, grabbing the planning sheet from Rock. She looked over, then looked up. “Why do you have religious observances planned for 9:30? I’ve never known you to be religious.”
“I’m not. But it’s a tribute to my roots. An homage to that cult I used to belong to.”
“Jacob, that was a church. It wasn’t a cult.”
“They were totally a cult. They actually believed in this guy named Jesus that rose from the dead.”
“That’s not a cult. It’s a mainstream religion with over half the country following it. Get over your atheism, you arrogant prick.”
“Really? Alright. They were pretty nice, now that you mention it. Plus, the virgin sacrifice and barbeque they held every weekend was a lot of fun.”
“Wait, virgin what?”
“Alright, nothing to do now but sit back and wait for the results. Rock, let’s get this party started.”