The Town Hall

October 22, 2016

“And that’s the real issue here,” Jacob said, turning away from the questioner and facing the rest of the crowd as he made whatever point he thought he was making.  “Liberals are using Susan Sarandon and Rosie O’Donnell to turn our Christian kids gay.  And when you look at Rosie O’Donnell, I have to say, who can blame them?”

“Um, Mr. Stanton, the question was what would you do to protect our water supply from contamination from big corporations,” the original questioner said.

“Yeah, and that question was stupid, so I answered a different one.  You really think corporations have nothing better to do than sit around all day and plot how to contaminate the drinking water of some dumpy middle aged chick?  That’s dumb.  You’re dumb.”

“Well, no, but without proper regulation, they might think it more cost effective to cut corners with regards to environmental protections.”

“Blah, blah, blah.  Why does she still have a microphone?  She’s practically putting me to sleep here,” Jacob said, shaking his head and turning to a man in the second row.  “Yeah, you.  You want to ask me about something I actually know and care about, or are your concerns stupid too?”

The man stood up and cleared his throat, which all people asking questions in town halls seem to do for some reason.  At least in fictional town halls.  “Mr. Stanton, as a father of two young children, I want to know what you are going to improve our failing schools.”

“First off, I asked for a question, not your life story.  Nobody cares about your fat, ugly kids.”

“My kids aren’t fat.”

“Whatever.  Secondly, this is an issue I’m very passionate about, and an area I know a lot about.  I love schools.  I go to schools all the time.  It’s where I meet most of my girlfriends.  And boyfriends.  The nice thing is at that age it doesn’t make much of a difference.”

“Uh, what?”

“Overall, our schools are fantastic, but there are areas they could improve.  Security, obviously, is one area.  Another is sex education.  It needs to start much earlier, because those first graders are awful at it.  By third grade, they’re usually alright, at least in the poorer areas.  Now, America’s best and brightest can compete with any students in the world, alright?  The problem with our educational system is the retards.  And we have a lot of retards.  So, when you’re asking about how to improve the educational system, what you’re really asking is how we get rid of the retarded kids.”

“So, you’re talking about improving funding for special education programs?”

Jacob laughed.  “No.  We certainly aren’t going to throw more money away.  No, I think what we need for the less academically gifted children is something more like vocational training.  Get them around a lot of electricity, farm equipment, and other heavy machinery.  Sooner or later, I figure the problem will take care of itself.  One final question.”

In the back, a young woman stood up.  “Mr. Stanton, during the course of this town hall meeting and the campaign in general, you have proven repeatedly that you don’t respect the average voter.  Why should Americans vote for you when you clearly have such a low opinion of them?”

Jacob sneered.  “Please.  You think any of the other candidates respect the average voter?  We all think average Americans are idiots.  Hell, most Americans think the average American is an idiot.  If most voters think all other voters are stupid, why would you expect the candidates to have a higher opinion?  The only difference is that at least I’m being sincere about it.  I’m not going out and plastering on a phony smile and acting like I want to shake your hand or kiss your baby, which, by the way, looks exactly like every other goddamn baby.  I hate you, you hate me, and the important thing is that we, as Americans, all come together to hate each other.  That’s what this election is all about.  Thank you, and good night.”

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