Jacob’s War Room

August 14, 2016

“Jacob, what the hell is this?” Lucy said as she walked into the conference room at her company.  Scattered around were a bunch of to go coffee cups, a whiteboard, and like twenty landline telephones, none of which were plugged in, save for the preexisting one in the middle.  “I’ve been getting complaints about you all morning, and now that I finally get the time to come in here, I see those complaints are fully justified.”

Jacob shot Lucy a confused look.  “Um, have complaints against me ever not been justified?”

“Anyway, what gives?”

“It’s our war room,” Rock said proudly.

“War…room?  For what?” Lucy asked.  “Who are we going to war with?”

“Lucy, don’t you know anything about politics?” Jacob said, condescendingly, for some reason.  “That’s what they call the center of a campaign.  We’re going to war with, you know, them.”


“You know, the other candidates.  The Republic and the Democratic people.”

“Jesus Christ, Jacob, you can’t even remember the names of the nominees,” Lucy said, shaking her head.  She took a deep breath and rubbed her temples.  “You can’t be serious about this.”

“Hello?  Didn’t you hear my speech last night?”

“I heard it.  You just didn’t say anything coherent.”

“Well, I was pretty plastered,” Jacob said, taking a sip from his coffee cup.  He looked around the room with satisfaction.  “We’re off to a pretty good start today, though.  Look at all the phones we have.”

“Yeah, about that,” Lucy began.  “Bethany said you took her phone.  And I’ve received a number of other complaints saying basically the same thing.”

“Haven’t you ever seen a campaign headquarters?  They have a shit ton of phones.”

“You can’t use company property to run your campaign.”

“Why not?”

Lucy sighed.  “Do you want the explanation where it violates federal law or the one where it undermines the company and costs us money?”

Jacob shrugged.  “Meh.”

“Give the people back their phones.  Bethany needs hers to do her job, as does everyone else.”

“She’ll manage.”

“She’s a secretary, Jacob.  She can’t very well do, well, almost any part of her job without a phone,” Lucy said.  She picked up the line of one of them and held it in her hand.  “Besides, these aren’t even plugged in.”

Jacob and Rock shared a laugh.  “Lucy, phones don’t need to be plugged in.  What is this, the 1930s?”

Lucy rolled her eyes.  “You two have no idea what you’re doing.”

“So?  Isn’t that all life is?” Rock asked, faux-philosophically.  “A bunch of people walking around on a big green marble with absolutely no idea how they got here or what they’re doing?”

“Deep, Rock.  Now put the phones back.  And clean up these coffee cups.”  Lucy looked around the room.  “Why the hell are there so many coffee cups?”

“Duh.  A campaign runs on coffee,” Jacob said.

“There are two of you.  Why do you need, god, there’s got to be at least twenty coffee cups in here?  And you don’t even drink coffee.”

“Well, this is mostly whiskey.”

“You’re drinking a coffee cup of whiskey?  At work?”

“Correction,” Rock interjected.  “We’re drinking twenty cups of whiskey at work.”

“You don’t even work here.”

Rock hiccupped.  “I do now.  I’m the campaign manager.”

“No, you’re not.  Because there is no campaign.  At least not here.”  Lucy looked from Rock to her husband and sighed.  “This isn’t going to be one of those things that just goes away, is it?”

“Not likely,” Jacob said.

“Fine.  First off, no company property or resources are to be used.  Set up your office elsewhere.  If you need time off, though, you can have it.”

“Really, honey?  Thanks,” Jacob said.  “You’re the best.”

“Yeah.  It’s not like you really do anything around here anyway.  Second, do you guys have anything resembling a plan?”

Jacob and Rock looked at each other.  “We hadn’t really gotten past the phones and coffee cups,” Jacob said.

“It was my idea to put whiskey in the cups,” Rock said, beaming with pride.

“That’s why you’re the campaign manager,” Jacob said as the two fist bumped.

“Do you have anything?  A slogan, a platform?”

“Yes.  I came up with a slogan this morning,” Jacob said excitedly.  He paused for dramatic effect.  “Hillary…is Hitler.”

Lucy stared at him for a few, long, moments.  “Hitler?”

“Brilliant, isn’t it?” Jacob said, failing to pick up on Lucy’s not so subtle body language.  “It’s alliterative, and people don’t like Hitler.  If I compare the two of them, people won’t like her.”

“Yeah…I’m not sure comparing someone to Hitler is the way to go.”

“You think people like Hitler?”

“I think it just makes you look crazy.”


“You know what, let’s just table the Hitler conversation for now.  Let’s take this step by step, alright?” Lucy said, clapping her hands.  “So, step one is?”

Jacob shrugged.  “If you’re scrapping Hitler comparisons, I’m at a loss.  That was kind of the one thing we had going for us.”

“Right.  Step one, give everyone back their phones.  Think you two can manage that?”

“Maybe.  I think we can,” Jacob said slowly.  “Except for David.  He’s a dick.  Fuck him and fuck his phone.”

“Right, so give me David’s phone.  I’ll give it to him,” Lucy said.  “Then step two, I want you two to clean up the coffee cups in here.”

“Whiskey cups.”

“Whatever cups.  Just get rid of them.  Alright?”

Jacob and Rock sighed.  “Fine.”

“Good.  Then after that, take the rest of the day and look for a proper office.  Hell, take the week.  Whatever,” Lucy said.  “Just find some place that isn’t here, isn’t company property, and get your office set up.”

“Okay, then what?” Jacob asked.

“Baby steps, Jacob.  Just focus on what I’ve laid out before you.  Once you manage to get all this taken care of, tell me.  We’ll take it from there.”




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